


The Five Stages of Grief

by InkgooSupernova



Series: The Winter System [39]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Ableist Language, Accidents, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Assault, Being Lost, Bucky Barnes Has Panic Attacks, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes has DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Kid Bucky Barnes, M/M, Misunderstandings, Multi, Non-Sexual Age Play, On the Run, Panic Attacks, Police, Sad with a Happy Ending, Temporary Amnesia, Unreliable Narrator, Wetting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 07:13:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25346776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InkgooSupernova/pseuds/InkgooSupernova
Summary: Jamesy couldn't remember how he got to the Central Park Reservoir, nor could he remember leaving the tower atall.All he knew was that he suddenly found himself lost in the middle of Central Park without his phone, his back pack, his emergency information, or his guardians.He was all alone.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson
Series: The Winter System [39]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1693231
Comments: 25
Kudos: 127





	1. Denial

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this story was provided by the amazing [Ketturukka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ketturukka/pseuds/Ketturukka)
> 
> This story features internalized ableism, hateful language, and being lost in New York.
> 
> Reader Discretion is Advised.

Jamesy couldn't remember how he got to the Central Park Reservoir, nor could he remember leaving the tower at _all_.

All he knew was that he suddenly found himself lost in the middle of Central Park without his phone, his back pack, his emergency information, or his guardians.

He was all alone.

He didn't feel quite as scared as he should of at first, his brain not quite catching up with the rest of him as his dissociative switch dragged on. He could vaguely remember Bucky yelling about something, then the Soldier walking in an alley, then he was there. He glanced around the park, his eyes coming to focus on the rippling water in front of him.

He was able to recall a little more about the events proceeding his current moment.

_"I told you, I'm not a fucking child! I don't need those!" Bucky had barked, shoving at Steve's shoulders._

_"Bucky, I'm not saying you're a child!" Steve huffed back, already frustrated with Bucky's sudden stubbornness. "But you know that-"_

_"That what, Steve? That I can't trust myself to not piss myself? Like an invalid, Steve?" Bucky huffed back, exhausted with his body's own shortcomings._

_"Buck, c'mon, when you put it like that you're only hurting yourself." Sam interjected, trying to help mediate the two arguing super soldiers._

_"Admit it, Steve! You hate seeing me like this! You hate dealing with me because the only thing left of your best friend is a monster wearing his face!" Bucky snapped back, his emotions clouding his judgement. "Both of you would be better off if I wasn't around!"_

Jamesy whimpered as the memory played on loop. His brain finally began to catch up, recognizing that he was, in fact, alone in Central Park.

What should he do? Should he get up and try to walk back to the tower? What if he got _more_ lost? Should he wait in that spot for his guardians to find him? What if they were mad at them and never wanted to see them again? Should he ask for help? Who would try to help the terrifying Winter Soldier alone in the middle of a park?

Jamesy puffed up his chest, his brain still not taking on the full gravity of the situation, before standing up and walking through the park, around the reservoir, and onto the nearest walking trail.


	2. Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamesy whimpered as the memories of that afternoon finally began to make their way back through his brain. Why did Bucky hate them so much? They didn't ask to be made.
> 
> He didn't ask to exist.

_"Bucky, no ones-"_

_"Steve, no. I'm_ done _, okay? I'm sick of taking the back seat in my own fucking life!" Bucky barked back, exhausted from his own outburst. "I'm not letting this shit brain ruin my life any more!"_

_"Bucky you know damn well that's not how it works." Sam huffed. "You aren't forcing either of us to be here-"_

_"Then admit that you hate me and kick me out already!" Bucky snapped._

Jamesy whimpered as the memories of that afternoon finally began to make their way back through his brain. Why did Bucky hate them so much? They didn't ask to be made.

He didn't ask to exist.

Jamesy huffed at the thought. How could his host be such a jerk? Why did he always have to push away anyone who tried to help them? What did any of them do so wrong to deserve his cruel words? He kicked at a rock in his path, watching as the stone skittered across the sidewalk. He balled up his little fists, his anger mounting with each passing second.

His feet hit the ground a little harder with each new step.

His host hated him so much, but what for? For needing help? For being forged in cruelty and pain? For being forced to take what he couldn't handle? For accepting the care and love his guardians offered?

Fine. If he hated him for needing help, then he wouldn't ask for it anymore. How about that?

Jamesy's mounting frustrations reached a boiling point, and with no one to help him through his calm down exercises, he was left with a burning ball of fury in his chest.

The nearby tree didn't deserve the metal fist he put through it. Nor the tree next to it. Nor the tree next to that other tree. Nor that rock.

He must have been quite the sight; the Winter Soldier throwing a tantrum in the middle of Central Park, leaving dents in rocks and holes in trees as he screamed his lungs out. Jamesy couldn't help it, his emotions were far to big for his body, and with no creative outlet or anyone to defuse the situation, he had no other means to work out his feelings.

He found himself laying in the grass, out of breath and frustrated tears freely pouring from his eyes. He sighed, sitting up and looking around the park. Luckily, there were no people around to watch his pathetic display. He sniffled against his tears, stood up from his patch of grass, and continued walking down the sidewalk, hoping no one would notice the damaged foliage.

If they did, they couldn't link it to him.


	3. Bargaining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamesy sighed as he shoved his hands into his pockets. The late winter air was nipping at his skin, and he wasn't able to grab a jacket before leaving. The sky was turning dark as the sun began to set and the heavy clouds of a coming snow storm began to roll in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter features misunderstandings, false assault claims, and aggressive police activity.
> 
> Reader Discretion is Advised.

_"Steve, I'll understand if you'd just have the balls to tell me you hate me to my face." Bucky huffed._

_"He doesn't hate you, Bucky! No one does!" Sam barked back. "If you keep pushing people away, people are going to leave!"_

_"Then do it! I know you want to!"_

Jamesy sighed as he shoved his hands into his pockets. The late winter air was nipping at his skin, and he wasn't able to grab a jacket before leaving. The sky was turning dark as the sun began to set and the heavy clouds of a coming snow storm began to roll in.

"Can we go home now?" Jamesy whimpered, receiving no answer from his host, or any of his system mates for that matter. "Pl'ees, I wanna go home..."

" _Fuck you. You ruined my life._ " Jamesy gasped as Bucky's voice broke the deafening silence in his skull. " _Steve and Sam hate me and it's all your fault._ "

"No..." Jamesy whimpered. He was cold and scared and just wanted to go home and hug his guardians.

A hard breeze rushed against his side, forcing a shiver out of him.

"I-if we go home, I _promise_ I'll stay away forever. I-I'll never talk t' Daddy or Papa ever again an'-an' you can stay wit' them forever, okay?"

" _Liar. You promised that before._ " Bucky's voice huffed.

He was right. When they first came to the tower, Jamesy promised that he wouldn't talk to Daddy and wouldn't be a problem. He tried so very hard to go away, but it never quite worked out. Daddy was upset at first, and it took a long time to get it quite right, but eventually Daddy took to him and started treating him nicely. Maybe he made Daddy uncomfortable and he felt bad not treating him nicely? Maybe his constant begging for help really _did_ make Daddy and Papa hate him?

Jamesy whimpered at the thought. "Pl'ees. I jus' wanna go home..."

" _We don't deserve it._ " Bucky's voice spat back. " _I'm not gonna let Sam and Steve drag themselves down for us anymore._ "

"'S not fair..." Jamesy whimpered out, wincing as the cold air nipped at his bare face.

" _Not fair?! I'll tell you what's not fair!_ " Bucky's voice barked. " _What's not fair is being seen as nothing but an invalid and being treated like a child! What's not fair is being forced to wear fucking diapers because_ you _demand it! What's not fair is being stuck with your useless, pathetic-_ "

Jamesy yelped out, shaking his head to try and silence the cruel words. "'S not m' fault!" He cried, covering his now painfully cold ears with his hands in a fruitless attempt to block out the other's voice.

" _It's entirely your fault! If you'd have just gone away after I escaped, none of this would have happened! I don't need any of you anymore, so fucking disappear already!_ " Bucky all but screamed in their head. Jamesy's little hands found their way into the ends of his tousled hair.

"Pl'ees stop! I-I promise I'll go away jus' pl'ees _stop it!_ " He begged, tugging at the ends of his hair until his head hurt. He was alone, cold, and _terrified_ , fighting a losing battle with the man in his head, the man who's face he wore, and the man who hated his guts because of it.

He froze up as he felt the sudden, all too familiar, flooding warmth against his legs.

" _You're fucking kidding me._ " Bucky's voice barked. " _You fucking pissed yourself_ again? _You disgusting, useless piece of-_ "

" _STOP IT!_ " Jamesy sobbed out, now yanking at the fistfuls of locks in his hands, wincing as the pull tore out a few strands of hair. His breath began to speed up, his heart hammering in his chest. " _STOP SAYING OLD DADDY'S WORDS! PL'EES!_ "

For the first time since Bucky's voice began, his skull was silent.

Jamesy hiccuped against a sob before plopping down onto the grass next to the sidewalk, pulling his knees tight against his chest. He could still see the puddle of his shameful display on the sidewalk, the patch of it running down his left pant leg already starting to itch and run cold.

"Hey, sir, everything alright?" A voice piped up. Jamesy's head shot up, meeting the face of a concerned looking woman.

"N-no..." He whimpered, coughing from a sob. "I-I wanna go home..."

"Uh..." The woman froze, taking a step back, grabbing her keys from her pocket in the process. "I don't- I don't know where your home is."

Jamesy carefully stood up, still hugging himself tight across his midriff. "I-I can show y'u how t' get there I-I jus'-"

"Get away from me!" The woman barked, holding up a small canister connected to her key ring. "I have pepper spray! Back off now!"

"No!" Jamesy flinched, far too upset to think logically. "Pl'ees I-I jus' wanna-"

He didn't have time to react as the woman pressed on the top of the canister, spraying the contained fluid into his eyes.

He shrieked as the burning sensation clawed through his eyes, invading his sinuses. He coughed violently as he fell to the hard, concrete sidewalk below. He tried to gulp down the cold air surrounding him in a pitiful attempt at relief, only succeeding in breathing in more of the chemicals.

" _Yes, I'm on East ninty-seveth at Central Park._ " Jamesy could barely hear the woman's voice over his own wails. " _I was just assaulted by a homeless man who may be under the influence. Please hurry!_ "

He didn't understand what was happening, he couldn't even open his eyes to see the crowd of people that had congregated around the scene.

The next thing he knew, he was being instructed to put his hands in the air and lay flat on his belly. He tried his best to follow the order, despite the panic pounding in his chest.

" **I SAID GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!** " A man's voice barked as he felt something hard slam into his back. The air was knocked from his lungs as his chest hit the concrete. He yelped as ungentle hands yanked his arms down from the air and behind his back, the familiar _click_ of handcuffs ringing in his ears.

"Pl'ees! Wha'd I _do?_ " He sobbed, earning a bark of a man's voice and something hard hitting the back of his head. He was tugged off the ground and shoved into a car, his eyes still forced shut by the chemicals on his still burning face.

He just wanted his guardians. He just wanted to go home.


	4. Depression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So there he was, sitting in the holding cell in the police station. He was lucky he didn't get shot. He didn't know what they were planning on doing with him, though, and feared the worst. What if they charged him with assault? He didn't even do anything! He just asked for help and the woman pepper sprayed him! Was pepper spray even legal in Manhattan?!

_"Sam, I'm worried." Steve sighed, staring out the window to the bustling city surrounding them. The sun had set long ago, and the snow had already begun its decent to the world below. "It's late, he never stays out this late."_

_"Steve, you know he's able to fend for himself." Sam reassured, putting a hand on his shoulder. "He probably just needed some extra time to cool off, he'll be home in a bit."_

_"But what if something happened? He doesn't have his phone or emergency bracelet, what if he got hurt or-or what if he switched out and Jamesy or Winnie are stuck out there?!" Steve's panic began to ramp up. Sam helped him down onto the couch, holding his hand tight._

_"I know, Steve, I'm worried about him too," Sam sighed, keeping the other man's hands in his own. "But we have to trust him. You saw how upset he was about us treating him like a child."_

_"But we_ weren't! _" Steve didn't mean to snap. "I accidentally asked him if he needed help getting changed. I_ forgot _, okay? I messed up and it's all my fault that he's stuck out there alone and-"_

_"Steve, Steve listen to me." Sam shook Steve's hands to get his attention. "It was an accidental slip of the tongue, and Bucky will know that. He just needs some time to cool off alone so he can start thinking logically. He doesn't hate you, or me." He explained, hoping to reassure the panicking man. "He'll be back when he's ready-"_

_The two were startled by Steve's ringtone playing, the phone buzzing on the coffee table._

_"Bucky didn't take his phone..." Steve mumbled, picking up the device and answering the mysterious number. "Hello?"_

Jamesy sighed as he sat in the holding cell. It had been at least an hour of sitting alone in the cramped, windowless room. The chemicals had been washed off, and he was finally able to tell the police who he was and why he was out. At first, they seemed really angry and didn't believe him, but quickly changed their tune when he pulled the leather glove off of his left hand, pulling the sleeve up to reveal his metal arm. They asked him for his Daddy or Papa's number to call them, but he couldn't remember for the life of him. That, of course, made them angry and suspicious again.

_"You live with them, right?" One of the officers huffed. "How do you not remember their phone number?!"_

_"I forgot!" Jamesy whimpered, covering his face. He was exhausted and mortified, sue him. "I live with them so I don't call them all the time!"_

Jamesy sobbed at the fresh memory, pulling his knees tight to his chest, trying desperately to stop his pitiful cries. He couldn't help it, the panic of getting arrested mixed with his already intense emotions of worthlessness combined with the awful feeling of his skin's reaction to his accident. He was cold, wet, itchy, and terrified.

So there he was, sitting in the holding cell in the police station. He was lucky he didn't get shot. He didn't know what they were planning on doing with him, though, and feared the worst. What if they charged him with assault? He didn't even do anything! He just asked for help and the woman pepper sprayed him! Was pepper spray even legal in Manhattan?!

" _Da, it's legal in New York._ " Soldier's voice decided to chime in at that moment.

" _Go away before you get us charged with rape, murder, and cannibalism._ " Bucky's voice growled in response.

" _We were acquitted and you know it. Stop being a fucking asshole._ " Soldier's voice huffed.

" _No! You ruined my life! Now I'm stuck in a fucking police station-_ "

" _Because you stormed out of the tower instead of thinking, like you always do! You never think before you act and now look where we are! You put all of us in danger because you're too fucking stubborn and pigheaded to accept the fact that there are people that genuinely care for us!_ " Soldier's voice barked. " _Captain made an error in judgement because he cares for us and you repaid him by treating him like shit and getting us arrested!_ "

" _I didn't get us arrested! Jamesy's stupid-_ "

" _Don't you_ dare _pin this on him._ " Soldier's voice huffed. " _You left him scared and alone in Central Park! How the hell did you_ think _he was going to react?! You caused this by being selfish and unappreciative of what you have._ "

"Unappreciative?! _Buddy I think your last wipe took out your last brain cell!_ " Bucky's voice argued back. " _Why the fuck should I appreciate any of you assholes for ruining my life?!_ "

" _Because without us, you would have suffered in Hydra alone! You would have taken every beating, every violation, every task and assignment to kill innocent people, all by_ yourself!" Soldier's voice shouted. " _I didn't_ have _to come around and protect your ass from having to murder people or getting fucked by every Hydra agent worth their salt! I could've left you alone to handle that yourself!_ "

"Stop it!" Jamesy yelped, the intense emotions far too much for his already exhausted body. "Stop it _pl'ees!_ "

" **QUIET IN THERE!** " A man's voice barked from the other room. Jamesy immediately clammed up.

The Winter System sat in silence, each thinking on their own.

Dissociating in a holding cell was even worse than dissociating in the middle of Central Park.

About thirty minutes had passed before any of them piped up again.

" _Jamesy, Soldier,_ " Bucky's voice began, quiet and ashamed in their skull. " _I'm sorry for what I said, and what I did. That wasn't fair of me. You guys didn't ruin my life, I just-_ " The voice paused. " _I just hate being a burden. I hate seeing Steve get upset when he remembers how I used to be._ "

" _That's his problem._ " Soldier's voice huffed. " _You know he still loves us, and he knows that things can't be the same. That's no ones fault. Falcon said so._ "

" _But I can still try to not drag them down all the time._ " Bucky's voice sighed.

" _You're dragging them down by pushing them away and refusing to let them help you._ " Soldier's voice corrected. " _They want to be there for us and help us. We help them by being there for them when we can and showing them that we love them back. This is not a parasitic relationship._ "

Bucky's voice stayed silent, thinking about the Soldier's words. Jamesy couldn't help the tears that escaped his eyes, falling silently down his cheeks and onto his beyond cold and unbearably itchy pant legs. They were working through so many intense emotions and hard-wired thoughts, all while stuck in a cold, impersonal, terrifying, police station holding cell.

" _I'm sorry. I'm sorry for getting us into this mess and I'm sorry for treating you guys like-_ " Bucky's voice caught himself. " _Garbage. Like garbage. I know it's not fair to call you guy's names and basically treat you like Pierce did, and I'm deeply sorry. I want to fix this, I want to make it right._ "

" _First step, remember Captain or Falcon's phone number._ " Soldier's voice huffed.

"Sir? I remember Steve Rogers's phone number!" Bucky called out from the cell.


	5. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's okay." Jamesy muttered out in his best Bucky voice. He was exhausted and crashing from his adrenaline rush and excruciatingly itchy from being unable to change his clothes.
> 
> He just wanted his Daddy and Papa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has mentions of murder and police brutality, but no specific examples or details.
> 
> Reader Discretion is Advised.

_"I knew we should've gone looking for him, Sam. I_ knew _it." Steve huffed to no one as he sat impatiently at the red light that stood between him and the Winter System currently stuck at the nearest police station._

_Steve had received a call from the sheriff's office explaining that one James Buchanan Barnes was currently in custody because some woman claimed he assaulted her and they believed he was on drugs and a danger to the public. Steve didn't trust cops one bit, especially not the ones in New York. They always used their position of power to bully people and get away with literal murder just to make them feel like they had control over their own pathetic lives. Hello, it's called therapy, they should try it._

_He growled as traffic ground to a halt, impatiently tapping his fingers against the steering wheel._

_"Bucky, Bucky, Bucky, what did you do." He sighed, resting his head against the wheel._

"Again, we're sorry for any inconvenience tonight, Sergeant Barnes." One of the officers chirped. As it turned out, the woman had no evidence that they had assaulted her, and since she was not in defined danger at the time of the incident, she gained herself an assault charge and was currently sitting in one of the other holding cells of the office. On top of that, he was tested for drugs and alcohol, both of which came back negative. On top of _that,_ there were already videos circulating online of the police manhandling World War Two veteran James Barnes into a cop car after getting pepper sprayed, all captioned with some sort of tag that he didn't know.

How did he know all this? Daddy told him over the phone, having googled 'Bucky Barnes Arrest' during their allotted phone call to tell him to come pick him up. News travels fast, as it turned out.

"It's okay." Jamesy muttered out in his best Bucky voice. He was exhausted and crashing from his adrenaline rush and excruciatingly itchy from being unable to change his clothes.

He just wanted his Daddy and Papa.

" _Hello?_ " Daddy's voice called through the building, making Jamesy perk up.

"Ah, Captain Rogers, thank you for coming at such short notice." The Sheriff hummed, acting so professional and personable, as if he didn't just warrant the unlawful arrest of a mentally ill war veteran.

Daddy was clearly angry, biting his tongue as he greeted the officers in the room. "I apologize for all of this. Where is he?"

Jamesy's eyes lit up as he watched his Daddy was led into the room, though he made no attempt to move out of fear of being tackled to the ground by the officers.

"Hey, pal. You alright?" Daddy asked, putting a hand on his shoulder. Jamesy nodded, leaning into his touch in a desperate attempt to communicate that he was _not_ talking to Bucky at that moment.

"Wanna go home..." He mumbled, hoping his voice was quiet enough to not be heard.

"I know, buddy. We're going home now. You aren't in any trouble." Daddy hummed, helping to pull him off of the seat. "No one's gonna hurt you."

After a few more tense exchanges with the sheriff, Daddy led Jamesy back out to the Jeep, where Jamesy proceeded to tackle his Daddy into the tightest bear hug of his life.

"Oh!" Daddy gasped, immediately wrapping his arms around the exhausted boy. "Oh, Jamesy. I'm so sorry that happened, I knew I should've-"

"No." Jamesy sniffled out, already knowing what he was about to say. "No, needed time. Bucky was upset, bu'h Soldier an' him talk'd lots 'n th' cell an'-an' he's sorry he yelled at you. We know y'u care 'bout us an'-an' jus' wanna keep us safe an' happy. We love y'u an Papa more than _anythin'_ " Jamesy managed out against his Daddy's chest.

"Oh, Jamesy I know," Hummed Daddy, rubbing his back softly. "I know he was upset. I just didn't want to make him more upset by messing up again. Papa and I care for all of you, and we love all of you more than the whole world."

Jamesy clung to his Daddy's chest until he just couldn't bear the cold air anymore, his now dry pants clawing at his skin. "Wanna go home, it hur's..."

With that, Daddy helped Jamesy into the back seat of the Jeep, checked his seat belt, and made his way to the driver's seat to drive them home.

The ride back to the tower was quiet and uneventful, with Steve carefully helping Bucky up the stairs in his exhausted, dissociated state.

"Hey, Buck, you alright?" Sam asked as the two walked through the door.

"Sam, hey." Bucky smiled, seeing the other man's comforting face. "Sam, I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier. It wasn't right, and I want to make it up to you and Steve. The rest of us had more than enough time to think tonight."

"You can start by not getting picked up by police again, okay?" Sam huffed half-playfully before opening his arms. Bucky gratefully took the offer, pulling the other man into a warm embrace.

"Alright, Bucky," Steve cleared his throat. "I'd suggest getting changed."

"Yeah, I'm gonna do that." Bucky sighed, carefully making his way to the bathroom. "Thanks, Steve."

"No problem, pal." Steve hummed, sitting back down on the couch with Sam. Bucky froze in the doorway of the bathroom.

"Actually, Steve? Sam? I'd kinda like some help, I don't really want to be alone right now..." He mumbled, tucking his head down. The first step to getting and accepting help was admitting that help was needed, no matter the type.

The two men smiled and nodded before walking to the exhausted super soldier, carefully guiding him into the bedroom.

**Author's Note:**

> Any behaviors related to DID or Autism Spectrum Neurodivergency within this story are based on **personal experiences** and are not a scientific basis or professional explanation for either DID systems or Autism Spectrum Neurodivergency. No two people, let alone no two systems, are exactly the same.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!
> 
> Also, All Cops Are Bastards.


End file.
